SCHOOL SHOPPING: Less is better for your wallet and your kids

Attention parents: It's back-to-school shopping time. This year, do
your kids a favor by NOT buying them everything they claim they need.
Of course, you will probably purchase some clothes, shoes, and school
supplies.



But when it comes to expensive name brands, sports logos,
celebrity-licensed items and electronic equipment, it's better to set
limits -- not only for the sake of your wallet, but also because it is
psychologically healthier for your children. Here's why:



- Kids who get everything they want develop expectations that this
will always be the case. This leaves them ill prepared to deal with
the world later, as adults.



- Kids who get everything they want develop a sense of entitlement,
with the assumption that things should come easily and on demand. Not
only is this unrealistic, but such a sense of entitlement fosters a
very self-centered view of life, which can lead to relationship
problems as adults.



- Kids who don't have to work for things are deprived of the
opportunity to develop self-esteem. Self-esteem doesn't come from the
brand of sneakers they wear. Nor does it come from merely being told
that they're a good person. It comes from a sense of competence, which
develops through sustained effort toward a goal (e.g., saving up for
those special sneakers.)



- Research shows that kids who don't learn to postpone gratification
may not develop the "emotional intelligence" that is important for
long-term success in life. Emotional intelligence includes skills such
as self-control, confidence, empathy and communication.





So, to help both your wallet and your kids, here are some tips for
setting limits on back-to-school expenditures:



1. Decide in advance how much you plan to spend. Divide your list into
two categories: Necessities and Want-to-haves. Concentrate on the former.



2. If your children are of middle-school age or older, involve them in
the planning. Give them a budget and show them the sale flyers. See
what they can come up with. When kids are involved in all stages of a
decision-making process, they are more cooperative.



3. For younger children who demand a cartoon logo on every article of
clothing, tell them how many such items you will allow, and let them
pick the specific items. For example, if you allow two, they might
pick a sweatshirt and a backpack, or a jacket and a notebook. You can
also set a dollar limit on items with licensed characters. Allowing
some degree of choice helps younger children feel a sense of mastery
and control.



4. When you go on the shopping trip, don't rush through it. Allow time
for lunch or videogame breaks. In this way, the shopping trip becomes
a shared family experience, not just a mad rush to acquire things.



5. Set limits not just on the dollar amount you'll be spending, but
also on what is acceptable. Your teenager may insist on certain
clothing styles that you don't approve of. If she starts arguing with
you at the store, calmly tell her it's time to go home. If she
continues arguing in the car, don't try to reason with her; she's too
angry to listen to logic at that time. However, you can offer to take
her shopping on another day when she has settled down.



6. If your child insists that he absolutely needs something that is
not in your budget, make a deal with him to allow him to earn money
toward it by doing extra chores. However, don't buy the item until he
has earned the money. This is very important, because it helps your
child learn to plan and to work toward a goal. He will also appreciate
more an item that he had to work for.



7. If you're like many parents, you try to set limits or to say "No",
but the kids whine and complain so much that you eventually give in.
Try your best not to succumb. If you give in, you are inadvertently
teaching your children that if they whine long enough, they will
eventually get their way.Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Camp Hill, and
author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming
Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004)

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